Tales of a Rotten Tata

You know what's weird about cancer? For me, it's been.... Brace yourself and keep reading before you call me batshit crazy....

It's been a blessing.

And I don't mean it in that loose annoying way that everyone describes everything on Facebook as "a blessing". Rather, I mean it in a "holy shit thank God I woke up on the right side of the dirt and by the way, I've taken way too many things for granted" kind of way.

I was sitting today at Missouri Cancer Associates for my regular check up and blood work, hoping for another clean bill of health and for Dr. Mary to tell me again how my trigger finger is not caused by "internal stuck ligament finger cancer" when it really hit me. *side note... I should be a doctor with all of the self-diagnosing I've done the last 21 months.
I wish I could say that it wouldn't have taken cancer for me to realize what's really important, but I think I'd be lying. My one goal thru cancer (besides seeing the other side of it, "obvs"... That was for my KD Hi/Lo gals 😂) was to educate people on what really goes on in a straightforward, unfiltered way and hopefully not freak too many people out in the process. And to not be a Debbie Downer about it unless I downright felt like I was crawling out of the ass end of a train wreck. Then down Debbie went.

Now that I'm "healthy" and not taking anymore liquid drips of chemo, my brain is starting to process everything. It's a crazy thing your brain goes thru as you're mourning the loss of sickness. Okay, you think I'm going cray cray again... But hear me out. I should be happy and joyous! Don't get me wrong... I am. Very much so. But there's this big crazy void (loss) still left in you after you hear those magical words, "No Evidence of Disease" that you still have to confront, and if you don't, you'll be stuck with a sad memory that could indirectly drive your behavior and your decisions.

Cancer is dead... A year of my life was put on hold because of cancer. But I've never really mourned the loss (death) of cancer and focused on how it impacted my family, my future and me. I mean, I've talked about it, but for some reason, it really just hit me sitting there, at that moment, in the very place I spent every 3 weeks of my life for over a year.
As my husband always says, after explaining something for darn near 20 minutes, "Long story short..." here is a list of things (in no particular order) that has made me realize that cancer was a BLESSING to me... and is currently guiding me thru the mourning process of letting the shitty part of cancer die so that I can refill that hole with things that make me happy.

My hope is that you'll be able to take just one of these and apply it to your life.... So that you can be that person that figured it out BEFORE you, God-forbid, HAVE to.

1. I want to work to live... Not live to work.

2. My husband is the real Superman.

3. When your parents cry, it hurts worse than a bi-lateral mastectomy (which was excruciating).

4. I now make a conscious decision to remove stress and drama from my life if and when I can control it. Ain't nobody got time fer dat!

5. I actually DO have time to sit and listen to my rambling kids. And they love hugs. I'm not in as much of a hurry as I seem to think I always am.

6. That being said... Our life is a crazy 3-ring circus on wheels. But we chose it and we'll take it one ridiculous act at a time. Again, it is what it is.... Not gonna change by stressing about it.

7. Having cancer is like being inducted into a shitty little fraternity where you meet amazing people who are instant friends and text buddies. And sadly but wonderfully all at the same time, I've reconnected with old friends who I haven't spoken to in decades, who are part of the same crapbag cancer frat.

8. I've never been the type of person to get offended at the drop of a hat.... But I'm REALLY, even MORE SO, not the "get offended'" type since cancer. In fact, if anything, I find myself dizzy from all the eyeball rolling I've been doing at people who have to be offended about anything and everything. I don't have the time or energy to get all worked up about silly things I can't control... Like whether or not Bruce Jenner wears panties or boxer briefs.

9. We don't get to church enough... But we will again when the 3-ring circus breaks for intermission. What I love most about the strength of my faith, is that my God is not just at church for me. He's on my back porch with me, staring at the lake, enjoying a cuppa Joe with my husband. He's with me on a river tubing down the Jack's Fork with my boys. And He's at a Def Leppard concert with me and the best friends I've known since I was just a kid.

10. (I hate uneven, dangling numbers, so I had to end on 10 - I said I'd control stress and drama... But I'm never going to NOT be Type-A). If you hung all the way in there with me thru this very long "long story short", then I'll leave you with this.... Life has zero guarantees. Love with all your heart and soul. Don't put up with any bullshit from anyone. Say a cuss word once in a while, take risks, let things go and by golly, go get that boob job you've always wanted if it makes you happy! Peace out, Go Tigers and f*ck you, cancer!

March 16, 2015

"You must be so happy this is your last chemo!" said one of the nurses.

Am I happy? This is a weird feeling. Happy but sad? How can I be sad about not getting more chemo? I'm feeling a little cray cray right now. But I know what it is... These doctors and nurses have made this crazy journey one that I'm actually sad leaving. That's messed up. And pretty effing special.

How can I ever thank you enough for saving my life, Dr. Mary S. Muscato and my favorite male nurse Daniel Yung?

Danny, you were my very first chemo stick (ouch!!) and my very last (OUCH!! Seriously, you haven't figured out in a year how to make that not hurt? But Nurses Erin and Ronda can?? What gives?). Thanks for the ride, you guys

One last stick. Yeeeowwwiiee

— with Daniel Yung at Missouri Cancer Associates.