You know what's weird about cancer? For me, it's been.... Brace yourself and keep reading before you call me batshit crazy....
It's been a blessing.
And I don't mean it in that loose annoying way that everyone describes
everything on Facebook as "a blessing". Rather, I mean it in a "holy
shit thank God I woke up on the right side of the dirt and by the way,
I've taken way too many things for granted" kind of way.
I was
sitting today at Missouri Cancer Associates for my regular check up and
blood work, hoping for another clean bill of health and for Dr. Mary to
tell me again how my trigger finger is not caused by "internal stuck
ligament finger cancer" when it really hit me. *side note... I should
be a doctor with all of the self-diagnosing I've done the last 21
months.
I wish I could say that it wouldn't have taken cancer
for me to realize what's really important, but I think I'd be lying. My
one goal thru cancer (besides seeing the other side of it, "obvs"...
That was for my KD Hi/Lo gals 😂)
was to educate people on what really goes on in a straightforward,
unfiltered way and hopefully not freak too many people out in the
process. And to not be a Debbie Downer about it unless I downright felt
like I was crawling out of the ass end of a train wreck. Then down
Debbie went.
Now that I'm "healthy" and not taking anymore
liquid drips of chemo, my brain is starting to process everything. It's a
crazy thing your brain goes thru as you're mourning the loss of
sickness. Okay, you think I'm going cray cray again... But hear me out. I
should be happy and joyous! Don't get me wrong... I am. Very much so.
But there's this big crazy void (loss) still left in you after you hear
those magical words, "No Evidence of Disease" that you still have to
confront, and if you don't, you'll be stuck with a sad memory that could
indirectly drive your behavior and your decisions.
Cancer is
dead... A year of my life was put on hold because of cancer. But I've
never really mourned the loss (death) of cancer and focused on how it
impacted my family, my future and me. I mean, I've talked about it, but
for some reason, it really just hit me sitting there, at that moment, in
the very place I spent every 3 weeks of my life for over a year.
As my husband always says, after explaining something for darn near 20
minutes, "Long story short..." here is a list of things (in no
particular order) that has made me realize that cancer was a BLESSING to
me... and is currently guiding me thru the mourning process of letting
the shitty part of cancer die so that I can refill that hole with things
that make me happy.
My hope is that you'll be able to take just
one of these and apply it to your life.... So that you can be that
person that figured it out BEFORE you, God-forbid, HAVE to.
1. I want to work to live... Not live to work.
2. My husband is the real Superman.
3. When your parents cry, it hurts worse than a bi-lateral mastectomy (which was excruciating).
4. I now make a conscious decision to remove stress and drama from my
life if and when I can control it. Ain't nobody got time fer dat!
5. I actually DO have time to sit and listen to my rambling kids. And
they love hugs. I'm not in as much of a hurry as I seem to think I
always am.
6. That being said... Our life is a crazy 3-ring
circus on wheels. But we chose it and we'll take it one ridiculous act
at a time. Again, it is what it is.... Not gonna change by stressing
about it.
7. Having cancer is like being inducted into a shitty
little fraternity where you meet amazing people who are instant friends
and text buddies. And sadly but wonderfully all at the same time, I've
reconnected with old friends who I haven't spoken to in decades, who are
part of the same crapbag cancer frat.
8. I've never been the
type of person to get offended at the drop of a hat.... But I'm REALLY,
even MORE SO, not the "get offended'" type since cancer. In fact, if
anything, I find myself dizzy from all the eyeball rolling I've been
doing at people who have to be offended about anything and everything. I
don't have the time or energy to get all worked up about silly things I
can't control... Like whether or not Bruce Jenner wears panties or
boxer briefs.
9. We don't get to church enough... But we will
again when the 3-ring circus breaks for intermission. What I love most
about the strength of my faith, is that my God is not just at church for
me. He's on my back porch with me, staring at the lake, enjoying a
cuppa Joe with my husband. He's with me on a river tubing down the
Jack's Fork with my boys. And He's at a Def Leppard concert with me and
the best friends I've known since I was just a kid.
10. (I hate
uneven, dangling numbers, so I had to end on 10 - I said I'd control
stress and drama... But I'm never going to NOT be Type-A). If you hung
all the way in there with me thru this very long "long story short",
then I'll leave you with this.... Life has zero guarantees. Love with
all your heart and soul. Don't put up with any bullshit from anyone.
Say a cuss word once in a while, take risks, let things go and by golly,
go get that boob job you've always wanted if it makes you happy! Peace
out, Go Tigers and f*ck you, cancer!
