16 Weeks Post-Chemo Intel...

I should say post-HARSH-chemo. I still have to take a maintenance chemo (Herceptin) until February. Thankfully, there are little to no side effects (that I know of, at least) from the Herceptin. 

But there's plenty of other things going on.....

1. I currently take Tamoxifen, which is a hormone blocker. My particular type of breast cancer tested positive for the estrogen and progesterone hormone receptors, meaning we know that hormones fed my tumor. So... 10 years of daily oral Tamoxifen pills it is!

2. These "expanders" are obnoxious. I gave you some insight as to what they feel like in your pits in a previous post... Here's what they feel like from the front. 

     a. Put on a sports bra that is 6 sizes too small.  For you    
         men, just grab your wife's sports bra. 

     b. Take an ace bandage wrap and wrap it very tightly 
         around your chest 5 times. 

     c. Give it one more tug for an even tighter fit. 

     d. Go to your refrigerator and grab 2 grapefruits (the less 
         ripe the better). 

     e. Fit the grapefruits into your sports bra, emulating 
         boobs. 

     f. Once again, tug on the ace wrap to tighten once more
         until it hurts. 

     g. Now try to take a full breath or sleep on your tummy 
         or side....

     h. Wear that for 4 months until you swap out for 
          squishies (that's November 3rd for me! Yay!)

3. I have developed "trigger finger" and major stiffness in my joints (mainly my hands and feet) from what I am convinced is because of the Tamoxifen. When I clench my fist, my middle finger that I jammed in gymnastics in 6th grade sticks. 

It's just too bad it doesn't stick the opposite way! I could really have fun with that... "What, I'm SORRY, boys! I can't help it! Now go clean your damn rooms and leave me alone already!!" (insert reverse trigger-finger...)

4. My memory is forever gone and ruined. I've done that, "Heyyyy!! How are YOU??" thing in grocery stores when people I know I've met say "hi" to me. Then, like a big fat stalker, I take a sneaky picture of the person and text it to my friend who I'm SURE knows that person, asking who the hell they are. PUH-thetic. 

5. I'm a little annoyed... Okay, no. Let's just call a cat a cat here. I'm REALLY annoyed that the hair on my body is growing faster and longer than the hair on my head!!!  You don't have to use your imagination... it's what you think.

6. Speaking of cats (this has nothing to do with chemo, but remember how I said my memory is bad? Well, my attention span is even worse...). The other day, Alex and I walked into the house after we came home from his Karate class and he asks, "What smells like cat??"

Without even thinking, I said, "It's our Chinese food we ordered..." Oh. That was weird.  meow.

7. I've been really worn out going back to work and working a full day. This frustrates me to no end. I'm used to go-go-go and this is supposed to be the downhill cruise, so to speak. I saw my oncologist and demanded that she tell me the date when I'd feel better (I know...). She said, likely 6 months after my surgery (which was June 3rd) since I also had some pretty rough chemo, a sinus infection and an additional crazy accidental-port-line-losing surgery. 

Erg. I cried, she prescribed me an antidepressant, I filled the RX then tossed it into the trash. Later that night, I found just what I needed (instead of an antidepressant, I self-diagnosed myself like I like to do, and determined that I needed an anti-frustration fix instead). My good friend from childhood, who was visiting from out of town, walked into my home and presented the perfect "anti-pissed-off" remedy (which she magically pulled out of the trunk of her car!  My kind of gal... and car). 

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. I'm almost positive this is how alcoholism starts. But I'm no quitter - Cheers!

I LUV Southwest Airlines as much as I HATE Cancer...

Or maybe more appropriately titled,
"This is Brandon, with Southwest Airlines...."

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on February 3rd. I travel a LOT for work. I love traveling. Part of the reason I love traveling is because I ONLY fly Southwest Airlines and LUV them for the exact reason I'm posting this "Voicemail" I received back in March.  And by LUV them... I mean I purposely avoid flying other airlines.  My home office is in Madison, Wisconsin and I go there quite a bit.  Southwest doesn't fly to Madison (erg! I wish!), so I'll fly to Milwaukee and rent a car and DRIVE the 1.5 hours to Madison to avoid flying any other airlines.  THAT'S how much I LUV Southwest Airlines.

After telling my boss about my cancer, he immediately "grounded" me from traveling so I could focus on my treatments, my health and my family. I equally LUV my company (of almost 19 years now) to the moon and back, but the thought of not traveling anymore (in addition to not being able to see my teammates and work with them in other states) immediately made me think.... "Crap. I'm going to lose my A-List Status with Southwest Airlines for next year, now.  And crap... I won't earn any miles this year to use for a family vacation."

I immediately got sad about that (and in case you were wondering, yes, I was more upset at the time about that, than my cancer... I know, dumb). 

After sitting on it for about a month of "not traveling", I signed into my Southwest Airlines Rapid Rewards account and stared at it, sad once again, thinking, "I would've earned about 17,000 miles by now."

I saw a "Contact Us" section and thought... Sure, what can it hurt?  I clicked on the "Email Us" link on the Customer Service page and wrote my letter, fully expecting a "Sorry... Can't help you." reply in the nicest fashion that Southwest has, which still wouldn't bother me, because I knew at the very least, Southwest would respond, even with bad news (unlike any other airline who could give a rip). 

My "comment" went something like this:

"Hi, I was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and have been "grounded" from traveling until late fall. I will lose my A-List status for next year and my opportunity to earn miles this year. Would you consider allowing me to keep my A-List Status for next year? This fall I should be back on my regular schedule. 

Best,
Moya Brown"

I got the typical, "We've received your email and will be in touch soon." auto-response and thought nothing more of it. Like I said, couldn't hurt to try. 

Literally, later that day I received a phone call on my cell phone from a number in Texas that I didn't recognize. It was "Brandon, with Southwest Airlines."  Uh??!! Wait... I expected an email saying "Sorry...", but I get a PHONECALL?? From a real, live person?? 

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!

Okay, you had me at "Hi there, this is Brandon, with Southwest Airlines."

We talked thru my current situation and he listened to my every word. He assured me that he would do his best to help me achieve my request, but he couldn't guarantee anything right away. I was still just happy to get a call??!! "Brandon, with Southwest Airlines" asked me to fax him a note from my doctor on the cancer center's letterhead simply stating my inability to travel until late fall and he would "take it from there."  He said to call back at the end of the year to "...see what we could do" and then we hung up. 

Still amazed and in shock, I requested the letter from my oncologist and faxed it over to "Brandon, with Southwest Airlines" as soon as I received it. Once again, I thought to myself, "Okay, that was done... I guess I'll just see what happens at the end of the year."

Then later that day after a few conference calls, I noticed a missed call on my cell and listened to the voicemail...

Now, I don't know what will even come of all of this when I call back in December, but even if it's nothing, I won't care.  The fact of the matter is, the REASON Southwest Airlines is still in business is because they CARE.  And let's face it... if all other airlines could learn something from Southwest... it's this: 

They LIVE The Golden Rule...  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  In other words, hey... let's just be a NICE PERSON.

You nailed it, Southwest Airlines (and "Brandon, with Southwest Airlines").  I'm STILL and even MORE so now, a lifer.

Boobpits... Or Pitboobs?

Either way, let me help you understand why my "reconstruction" (aka Fake Boobs) aren't really the real (fake) deal.

1. I have what are called "Expanders". These are not implants. These are a bait n switch version of what you imagine you're getting after they chop off your boobs, thinking you'll come out of surgery with JLo's perfect squishy boobages. In other words, they're the FAKE fake boobs before the REAL fake boobs get put in. Still with me?

2. Expanders... Picture a hard plastic bouncy ball you'd buy from Walmart with all of the air squished out of it. Grab two of those, then smoosh them behind your pectoral muscles stretching them, as well as the chest skin that's all you have left of your front side (okay, I'll be honest, it wasn't far from where I started in the first place with my giant -A cup).

3. My surgeon went ahead and added 100cc of saline in each side during surgery to start the "stretching" (expanding) process. Uh... Those looked weird. Like I accidentally swallowed two Tupperware bowls that were warped from putting them in the microwave (BTW, nobody ever told me that voids your "lifetime warranty"... Rip off). Again, picture only filling the hard plastic bouncy ball with a little with air. Picture that in my chest.

4. Every other week I have been getting a "pump" (or an "expansion" as the docs like to say.... I'm finding they like the medical terms better than the words I choose). Usually 60cc in each boob with a syringe and needle. I've gone 5 times. 4 times for 60cc and 1 time for 35cc. I like round numbers, so that puts me at 375cc (about a C cup... "A good handful" as Mark would put it.)
I am finally D-U-N done with the pumps.

5. Holy $hit the pumps hurt! You can barely take a deep breath, much less a normal breath, for close to 2-3 days. And your boobs are rock hard. One time I sneezed shortly after a pump and I thought my boobs were going to pop out around to the backside and shoot out my butt I sneezed so hard!

6. What does it feels like?
Stand up and stick your arms straight out to your side like you're an airplane. (I'll wait while you do this.....)

Now, (I can't believe some of you are actually doing this... This makes me laugh ) put your arms straight down to your sides. (Again... I'll give you a moment to pick your phone back up it or find where you were again on your computer screen......)

Can you feel your boobs in your armpits?
A. If no, you don't have the fake fakies in.
B. If yes, you do.

7. Wanna know what it looks like?
Ask my friends... I've showed all of them LOL!

For the rest of you, Google "Tori Spelling boobs" (I'll wait.... But do it - It's worth it, trust me)

Nevermind, I'll do it for you....

 
Notice the 2-4 inches of the Grand Canyon between the bulges?

Add spikey 1 month old Asian baby hair on her head, a few (lot of) pounds on her body and about $278 zillion dollars less in her bank account and voila! You have me.

Hopefully the Real Fakies (or as my surgeon once again, very professionally put it... "Permanent implants"... Since he doesn't think my words are real words. Whatever, pre-owned/used car.... Same diff) won't look like a Mack truck can drive thru them!

I'll find out on November 3rd. Final surgery is scheduled and I get the REAL fake tatas!

EPIC Mud Run (ish)

Every year, my girlfriends and I do the Midway / Ultramax EPIC Mud Run at Midway (you might remember "Midway" from the awesomely funny 2-season show on the Travel Channel, "Truck Stop Missouri" and "Truck Stop USA").


Check it out! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9NOW4m9fOM

I won't lie.... I was pretty honored to have bought a pig on the show in an episode from Season 1 :)

Okay, back to the Mud Run.....
First off, I NEVER have a say in what we wear.  E-VER.  

Secondly, let's just clarify that when I said Mud "Run".... I really meant Mud "WALK".   I run ONLY run when people or bears are chasing me.  

I especially love my girlfriends this year for walking the ENTIRE course with me.  Chemo and cancer sure have taken a toll on my muscles, my endurance and my stamina in general.  Last year, I at least jogged a LITTLE.

2013 - Freakin' Tutus.  Erg.

2014 - Tutus.  UH-GAIN!!!!  *sigh

Okay, I have to mention this... since this blog is all about the tatas.... Holy CRAP my boobs are big this year!  Made for a somewhat difficult army crawl thru the mud.  Owie.