1. I have what are called "Expanders". These are not implants. These are a bait n switch version of what you imagine you're getting after they chop off your boobs, thinking you'll come out of surgery with JLo's perfect squishy boobages. In other words, they're the FAKE fake boobs before the REAL fake boobs get put in. Still with me?
2. Expanders... Picture a hard plastic bouncy ball you'd buy from Walmart with all of the air squished out of it. Grab two of those, then smoosh them behind your pectoral muscles stretching them, as well as the chest skin that's all you have left of your front side (okay, I'll be honest, it wasn't far from where I started in the first place with my giant -A cup).
3. My surgeon went ahead and added 100cc of saline in each side during surgery to start the "stretching" (expanding) process. Uh... Those looked weird. Like I accidentally swallowed two Tupperware bowls that were warped from putting them in the microwave (BTW, nobody ever told me that voids your "lifetime warranty"... Rip off). Again, picture only filling the hard plastic bouncy ball with a little with air. Picture that in my chest.
4. Every other week I have been getting a "pump" (or an "expansion" as the docs like to say.... I'm finding they like the medical terms better than the words I choose). Usually 60cc in each boob with a syringe and needle. I've gone 5 times. 4 times for 60cc and 1 time for 35cc. I like round numbers, so that puts me at 375cc (about a C cup... "A good handful" as Mark would put it.)
I am finally D-U-N done with the pumps.
5. Holy $hit the pumps hurt! You can barely take a deep breath, much less a normal breath, for close to 2-3 days. And your boobs are rock hard. One time I sneezed shortly after a pump and I thought my boobs were going to pop out around to the backside and shoot out my butt I sneezed so hard!
6. What does it feels like?
Stand up and stick your arms straight out to your side like you're an airplane. (I'll wait while you do this.....)
Now, (I can't believe some of you are actually doing this... This makes me laugh ) put your arms straight down to your sides. (Again... I'll give you a moment to pick your phone back up it or find where you were again on your computer screen......)
Can you feel your boobs in your armpits?
A. If no, you don't have the fake fakies in.
B. If yes, you do.
7. Wanna know what it looks like?
Ask my friends... I've showed all of them LOL!
For the rest of you, Google "Tori Spelling boobs" (I'll wait.... But do it - It's worth it, trust me)
Nevermind, I'll do it for you....
Notice the 2-4 inches of the Grand Canyon between the bulges?
Add spikey 1 month old Asian baby hair on her head, a few (lot of) pounds on her body and about $278 zillion dollars less in her bank account and voila! You have me.
Hopefully the Real Fakies (or as my surgeon once again, very professionally put it... "Permanent implants"... Since he doesn't think my words are real words. Whatever, pre-owned/used car.... Same diff) won't look like a Mack truck can drive thru them!
I'll find out on November 3rd. Final surgery is scheduled and I get the REAL fake tatas!
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